Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Fat Girl Love

If you follow along The B Word or know me personally, you know my dream, NO goal, is to star in film and television roles as a fat woman, where the story has nothing to do with my body and my size. This of course is part of my bigger plans to executive produce and create, film and television starring marginalized people, telling stories about marginalized people, created by marginalized people.  

As a long time film fan and long time fat girl, I have always longed for fat girl leads I could identify with. I grew up longing to look like the women I saw on screen, not seeing myself represented. I grew up watching all kinds of movies but there is something about growing up a young girl in the early 2000's that leads you to, now iconic, romantic comedies. The Nicholas Sparks era was strong during my preteen years and I was into it! Somewhere between, "A Walk to Remember" and "Never Been Kissed", I started to buy into the thin girl is the love interest and the fat girl is the funny friend. It wasn't until I was much older, that I could start to digger deeper emotionally, to see how much that shaped the way I saw myself and my place in the world. 

Fast forward many years and an amazing man later, I wanted to recreate iconic romance movie moments but with, me as the fat lead. I imagined what that little girl at the sleepover would think, seeing someone similar to her on screen being loved, being desired and being the lead of the story. Being with my man, Matthew, and being loved so deeply by a man who I love so deeply, has been revolutionary in a way. This will be our second Valentines Day together and above all the support I feel being with him, crazy stupid fun we have and the way he really loves me, has changed the way I view love and for that I am so grateful. 

I share this with you to not only celebrate our love *corny* but to say that all these movies had it wrong. All the romance movies I loved and still love, have it wrong. I as a fat woman, can have it all. I can be sexy, desired and loved for real. I can be the lead of my own movie, the center of my own story. I say this to truly encourage my fat women audience to demand exactly what you want in a partner, we deserve real love. We have been told and taught to settle for whatever love comes our way because of our size and I have been there, ohh I have SO been there *a story for a different time*, BUT that isn't the case. I hope all of you have an amazing Valentines Day, either if your celebrating with a partner, a friend or the greatest love of all, yourself! 

Happy Valentines Day! I love and appreciate you all!!

Photo Set One: Baz Luhrman's Romeo and Juliet
Photo Set Two: Pretty Woman
Photo Set Three: The Notebook

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

B Word Tips: Getting Over The Fear of Judgement

December has been an odd 31 days, for me. It's been odd because what I had planned, didn't go as planned and I sort of allowed what was, to be. I was contacted by so many people I haven't spoken to in years wanting to discuss their dreams, wanting to creative business plan, and wanting to discuss social media strategy. After sending them my rates and setting my boundaries, I took these meetings. The number one question, across the board from actor friends to writers to youth ministers, was something in line with, "How do you get over the fear of judgement, when you are putting your ideas out in the public?"

Now I think I have people fooled. I think I have people tricked, or maybe that's just the imposter syndrome talking. Ever since I can remember people have confided in me, I've never really liked small talk so I guess I invite it in as well. People have always approached me with "how are you this?", "how did you get here?" and "what's your business plan?". I don't really have an answer other than winging it or being afraid and doing it anyway. So after taking all these meetings and listening to people's ideas, and giving them my two cents, which I love doing. I found a common thread, being fearful of putting your ideas out there, or promoting yourself and work, what I like to call "Putting Yourself On".  There is fear or judgement, fear of being questioned, or feeling like what do I really bring to the table and what do I really have to offer. I asked my Instagram following if they had the same fears professionally, and the overwhelming response was YES.

SO I needed to roll back in my mental rolodex and take a deeper look at how I've overcome that fear of putting myself on and how I continue overcoming that fear. Putting yourself on, is one of my biggest professional philosophies and I could talk about it all day, everyday, that's how much I believe in it. Putting yourself on, by my definition is how do you do what you want professionally with what you have right now, that could leverage yourself to a position you'd love. People aren't hiring you? How do you put yourself on. Your an actor who isn't getting cast? How do you put yourself on, to where casting directors are calling asking for you. How do you take the time when you feel there aren't any opportunities for you and create those opportunities for yourself, putting yourself on.

That being said, now to my tips. How did I overcome the fear of putting myself on and how do I continue to combat that: 

1. BE Stubborn: 
I'm Stubborn. I'm stubborn as fuck, I'm passionate as fuck and I HATE other people's opinions. I come from a big Italian family, with LOTS of opinions. I grew up fat, everyone had an opinion, I went to theatre school, I paid for people's opinions. Now I understand it's important to collaborate, it's important to be a human being that can coexist with other humans but the best thing you can do for your ideas is know that they matter because they're yours. Some people will love them, follow and support and a lot of people won't. Stay true to your vision, that is where your power is. 

2. Pros vs. Cons:
Sit down, make a for real pro vs. con list. Are you completely happy with where you are today? If you never pursue the idea you have will you be okay? What if someone else did your idea, would you be upset? Think about it. Are you going to allow the fear of what if, stop you. I use the fear of staying in the same place,  propel me into jumping into creative endeavors. You have to want it. You deserve it, now go get it.

3. Bandwagon:
I remember when I first directed a show, it was interesting because the same people talking shit saying, "Oh she's directing a show?" or "that won't be good", were the same people who paid full price to come sit in the audience. This became my life motto, that people will talk, people will judge and let them because you're putting action into your dreams and they're paying full price for you to do so. These will also be the same people who will say they supported you from the beginning *eyeroll*. What did Drake say? The bandwagons full but you can try and run behind it! 

4. Commit to Consistency
When I started my blog, I promised myself that I would do one blog post a week for a year, after that year if it wasn't fun or I didn't enjoy it, I would stop. Here we are four years later! Everyone has to start somewhere and in this instant download, next things next culture, I feel we underestimate how long the foundation can take. You need to commit to a consistent schedule, in my opinion for a year. If it's put a video out once a week, or once a month, it needs to be consistent and realistic for you. Did my blog pick up way more after that first year, of course but I gave myself the time to figure it out. When I look back, I'm like my god what was I doing but I was learning. Set yourself up for success. 

5. Blue Prints
Who are other people doing what you'd love to be doing. Look at them, as a blue print. What are they posting? What can you learn from their business model. Soak it in.

6. Fake It Until You Make It
I mean in the sense, fake the confidence until it comes. You have the goods, now get yourself out there. When I first started blogging, I didn't have likes or follows but you couldn't have told me I wasn't blogging. Start.

Do it. Commit. End of Story.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

12 Days of #OOTD

I wanted to put the 12 Days of #OOTD all in one place with links to items, so you can shop! This was  not sponsored but it should be *next year we're looking at you*.
The concept is, I take 12 items and make 12 #ootd, posting a photo a day for 12 days. This was my second year doing this and I had asked Instagram what they wanted from this years looks.
The response was color, texture and wearable outfits. How did I do??

1. Red Button Down for Zelie For She
2. Red Pants for Zelie For She
3. Black Halter Crop Top Boohoo
4. Leopard Print Kimono Boohoo
5. Red Satin Wrap Dress Boohoo
6. Fur Coat Zelie For She
7. Purple Sweater Boohoo
8. Sequin Miniskirt Boohoo
9. Black Jeans Charlotte Russe
10. Nude Bodysuit Boohoo
11. White Button Down Pretty Little Thing
12. Orange Capri  Boohoo

Friday, December 14, 2018


Before I get too deep into my Dumplin' thoughts and I subsequently start craving dumplings, let's put this out there, I absolutely enjoyed Netflix's Dumplin'. Based off of Julie Murphy's 2015 novel of the same name, Dumplin' tells the story of plus size girls revolting and joining a beauty pageant, where they end up finding self love, all while challenging the pagenant status quo. I absolutely enjoyed it for the Dolly Parton, the drag queens, the kick ass girl powerness of it all. It would have rocked my little fat girl life, had it come out when I was growing up and that's how I know it's important. It's important to tell stories of the people who are outside of the margins. It's important and necessary to represent marginalized voices in mass media. SO I'm 100% here for Dumplin' and stories like Dumplin' getting the green light. 

If you've been following me for awhile, you know it's my dream to create, produce, star in film and television. It's my goal to tell marginalized people's stories in a large scale way. It's also important to me, while entertaining people with these stories, we also educate them and hopefully open people's perspective to experiences outside of their own. As someone who has grown up fat, then took a deep dive into fat activism via the internet community, gaining an education in the sociopolitical truths of being fat, I find messaging in media around fatness very out of date and incorrect, all while being extremely passive. 

There is a line that Willowdean's best friend hurls her way after a fight, that really stuck out to me. She says to Willowdean, "Just so you know, I've never thought of you as fat". It sits with me because, I feel by saying she's never thought of a fat girl as fat, it's implying an alternative definition to the word. For so long, in mass media, the word fat has been a loose synonym for ugly, unattractive, lazy, and unhealthy. This is deeply rooted in fatphobia. How many times have you heard someone say, "I feel fat"? Fat is not a feeling. As I was getting my nails done the other day, I sat listening to thin women call themselves fat, with undertones of shame and guilt. I'm lucky enough to live in a confident fat girl bubble, where we celebrate each others bodies at any size. Not using demeaning language created by the diet industry to sell you products or the fashion and beauty industry, which thrives off of buyer's insecurities. 

I am fat and paid. I am fat and sexy. I am fat and confident. We need to understand how determental our passive language is. This is why this line stood out to me and I felt the need to write this. It was just a moment in the film, but it speaks volumes. Just like the ladies in the nail shop didn't think twice about openly critiquing their bodies, using fat as a synonym for being less than. I exist in this fat body everyday and I am very far from being less than. 

On the second day of 12 days of #ootd, my true love gave to me......

Item #3: White Chiffon Top from PLT
Item #4: Orange Tie Waist Capris from from Boohoo

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Closed Doors, Open Windows

To say the last week has been a whirlwind, would be an understatement. First let's start off by saying, I'm controlling, I like to plan things, I stress too much about money and I don't have it all figured out. Let's also talk about how I believe in the idea that, "what you think, you create". I believe the universe brings to you what you put your energy into. I've been doing some deep diving, adult, emotional work these past few months. Spending time in consistent therapy sessions, looking at what does 26 year old Brianna really want. I've been a star in my own mind since birth, but when you get to your mid twenties and you're still trying to convince people you're a star, it gets less cute. I really had to breakdown what I want, am I waking up everyday loving my life, what baggage can I leave and what isn't serving me anymore. I've been working on boundaries. Boundaries? Who is she, never met her?! As a kid, I never had the voice to set them for myself. As I teen, an unexpected divorce and ending of the family I loved, rocked my world. As a young adult, I had people pleased for so long, I didn't really know where my needs started. 2018, kicked my ass, in a beautiful way. 

Fast forward to December, a couple months into this emotional deep dive. I've been feeling less alive and thriving, and more existing to pay bills, going to jobs and repeat. I had gotten to a place financially that the lowest I've been in many years. Things were not sitting right. I had no idea what I was going to do next. This was last week, mind you. I still don't know what I'm fucking doing but something shifted. Maybe it's perspective, or me asking for what I want or respecting my own boundaries but something has really shifted for me. 

I had serious conversation with the universe. I would consider myself spiritual but I do have a very hard time trusting and having faith in a higher power but I had a conversation. I was laying in bed, thinking about how the fuck I was going to piece together rent, I had walked away from money on the table, from a job that wasn't for me. My nanny hours had been cut because of the holiday, and I didn't have any alternative plans. I refuse to ask my family, because of Italian pride. How the fuck am I going to even buy Christmas gifts?! So I just said to myself, "Universe, I really need you to show the fuck up for me". Yes, I cursed at the universe, we're cool like that. "I need you to really come through, right now, because I really don't know. Show up and I will trust where you take me". It was that quick, but I really felt it and I really meant it. I kissed my boyfriend goodnight and went to sleep. 

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my Venmo app, my favorite sound to be completely honest with you. Two people had sent me money, they had owed me, that I had forgotten about. I check my email, I got paid from jobs that I had been waiting for. Okay, this is a great way to wake up! Later that day, I go to my nanny job. The two year old I watch, has melted my Grinch heart and really brought some more joy into my life. Had no idea how much I needed that, and how much I loved more financial stability because my last job had none. My little friend had pneumonia but was recovering. It was a normal day, me waiting for him to awake from his nap. I hear crying and  I go check on him. His breathing was shallow, I check in with his parents, and it's clear the shallow breathing is an emergency and he needs to be rushed to a hospital. In the most terrifying twenty minutes of my adult recollection, I was caring for a very sick, clearly hurting kid, who I love, who VERY much needed to get to a hospital fast. It was traumatic to say the least, and THANK GOD he has recovered and is going to be okay. It was an earth shaking afternoon. My perspective shifted. Nanny gig is off the table for December and rightfully so, something that would have terrified me had I not asked the universe to show up, in return for my trust. Other strange, too strange to be happen stance things happened in the day or two follow. A lot of doors have closed, opportunities I was counting on. People I haven't spoken to in years, have hit me up to take meetings. Jobs popping up, seeds I had planted finally starting to bloom. Something is happening. Larger, more paid, opportunities have been showing up. This has been a matter of days. 

Like I told you at the beginning, I have none of this figured out. I did, however, ask the universe to show up and the universe has showed up and showed out, in return I promised to trust. So here I am trusting. Trusting my rent will be paid, I've almost completely made it in the last two days alone. Trusting that the doors closing aren't for me. Trusting that I'm a star and that running to what brings me joy will bring that into my life tenfold. Trusting this shift in perspective. Trusting my gut and trusting that everything I need in life, I already possess inside of myself. I'm really interested to see where this journey takes me by being open. It's been an insane couple of days and I'm so ready for 2019. I trust the universe will take me where I need to go, isn't that wild?! ++

Happy Day 1 of the 12 Days of #OOTD


Item #1: Leopard Kimono from Boohoo
Item #2: Tan Bodysuit from Boohoo (similar)

Belts from Torrid
Shoes were a gift

Photos courtesy of Logan Allison 

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Pillow Talk

I feel like a new person! I'm so excited to finally share with you all my Big Fig experience. Let's set the scene, my old mattress was bad, B-A-D. It was old, I would toss and turn and my boyfriend hated it. Enter, Big Fig, the mattress for bigger frames. We upgraded from a queen to a king, and we went with the foundation and box spring, for the full Big Fig situation. This is a solid bed and wow my body is thanking me every morning.

On the real, real, I could never go back. As a tall, plus size woman, I feel tiny in this big bed and that is rare. This is the best mattress I've ever had and so worth it. This isn't a blogger influencer ad, this is two months of sleeping soundly and honestly my life has changed. Can we also note my boyfriend won't leave lol!? I don't blame him, It's a lot harder to get out of a Big Fig in the morning because it's so comfy. 

How it all happened? I ordered my whole set up. It took two weeks to get to the shipping company and then two days to get from the shipping company to me. They delivered, set up and took out meh old mattress. It was SO easy.

If you're in the market for a new, top of the line mattress, I suggest BIG FIG! I have a discount code: THEBWORD and can we talk about the Black Friday weekend sales?!

I know so many of you have asked me about my experience with Big Fig and it has been nothing short of amazing! +

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