Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Closed Doors, Open Windows

To say the last week has been a whirlwind, would be an understatement. First let's start off by saying, I'm controlling, I like to plan things, I stress too much about money and I don't have it all figured out. Let's also talk about how I believe in the idea that, "what you think, you create". I believe the universe brings to you what you put your energy into. I've been doing some deep diving, adult, emotional work these past few months. Spending time in consistent therapy sessions, looking at what does 26 year old Brianna really want. I've been a star in my own mind since birth, but when you get to your mid twenties and you're still trying to convince people you're a star, it gets less cute. I really had to breakdown what I want, am I waking up everyday loving my life, what baggage can I leave and what isn't serving me anymore. I've been working on boundaries. Boundaries? Who is she, never met her?! As a kid, I never had the voice to set them for myself. As I teen, an unexpected divorce and ending of the family I loved, rocked my world. As a young adult, I had people pleased for so long, I didn't really know where my needs started. 2018, kicked my ass, in a beautiful way. 

Fast forward to December, a couple months into this emotional deep dive. I've been feeling less alive and thriving, and more existing to pay bills, going to jobs and repeat. I had gotten to a place financially that the lowest I've been in many years. Things were not sitting right. I had no idea what I was going to do next. This was last week, mind you. I still don't know what I'm fucking doing but something shifted. Maybe it's perspective, or me asking for what I want or respecting my own boundaries but something has really shifted for me. 

I had serious conversation with the universe. I would consider myself spiritual but I do have a very hard time trusting and having faith in a higher power but I had a conversation. I was laying in bed, thinking about how the fuck I was going to piece together rent, I had walked away from money on the table, from a job that wasn't for me. My nanny hours had been cut because of the holiday, and I didn't have any alternative plans. I refuse to ask my family, because of Italian pride. How the fuck am I going to even buy Christmas gifts?! So I just said to myself, "Universe, I really need you to show the fuck up for me". Yes, I cursed at the universe, we're cool like that. "I need you to really come through, right now, because I really don't know. Show up and I will trust where you take me". It was that quick, but I really felt it and I really meant it. I kissed my boyfriend goodnight and went to sleep. 

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my Venmo app, my favorite sound to be completely honest with you. Two people had sent me money, they had owed me, that I had forgotten about. I check my email, I got paid from jobs that I had been waiting for. Okay, this is a great way to wake up! Later that day, I go to my nanny job. The two year old I watch, has melted my Grinch heart and really brought some more joy into my life. Had no idea how much I needed that, and how much I loved more financial stability because my last job had none. My little friend had pneumonia but was recovering. It was a normal day, me waiting for him to awake from his nap. I hear crying and  I go check on him. His breathing was shallow, I check in with his parents, and it's clear the shallow breathing is an emergency and he needs to be rushed to a hospital. In the most terrifying twenty minutes of my adult recollection, I was caring for a very sick, clearly hurting kid, who I love, who VERY much needed to get to a hospital fast. It was traumatic to say the least, and THANK GOD he has recovered and is going to be okay. It was an earth shaking afternoon. My perspective shifted. Nanny gig is off the table for December and rightfully so, something that would have terrified me had I not asked the universe to show up, in return for my trust. Other strange, too strange to be happen stance things happened in the day or two follow. A lot of doors have closed, opportunities I was counting on. People I haven't spoken to in years, have hit me up to take meetings. Jobs popping up, seeds I had planted finally starting to bloom. Something is happening. Larger, more paid, opportunities have been showing up. This has been a matter of days. 

Like I told you at the beginning, I have none of this figured out. I did, however, ask the universe to show up and the universe has showed up and showed out, in return I promised to trust. So here I am trusting. Trusting my rent will be paid, I've almost completely made it in the last two days alone. Trusting that the doors closing aren't for me. Trusting that I'm a star and that running to what brings me joy will bring that into my life tenfold. Trusting this shift in perspective. Trusting my gut and trusting that everything I need in life, I already possess inside of myself. I'm really interested to see where this journey takes me by being open. It's been an insane couple of days and I'm so ready for 2019. I trust the universe will take me where I need to go, isn't that wild?! ++

Happy Day 1 of the 12 Days of #OOTD


Item #1: Leopard Kimono from Boohoo
Item #2: Tan Bodysuit from Boohoo (similar)

Belts from Torrid
Shoes were a gift

Photos courtesy of Logan Allison 

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